NICOLE CARROLL

Tickets

1. In a dark lit room filled with soft red seats, you sat to the right of me. I remember the awkwardness in the way you lifted your arm around my neck. How we stayed in the same position for so long. In fear of offending the other if we moved.                                                                                                                   

2. You hadn’t gotten your license yet so Matt drove us up there. He left his seat in the middle of the movie. Said he wanted to get popcorn. He came back maybe twenty minutes later. No popcorn in hand. I remember asking him where the popcorn had gone. He had a pretty bad excuse. We laugh about it now.                                                                                                                                                       

3. I never cared for the football games. But I started buying ticket stubs to say hi while you were at break. I didn’t care for the football players, or the cheerleaders, or the colorguard. I remember looking for you when the marching band began to play. In a sea of white and red uniforms, I was able to find you every time.                                                                                                                                         

4. Senior year was a redemption year for me. I was focused on surrounding myself with positivity. Wanting to put the past- in the past.                                                                                                                 

5. Again, I never cared for the football games- but I was feeling nostalgic. Wanted to create more “memories” before the year was over. I went with Emily for the first game. The theme was the color red. The color of our school. I remember we put red acrylic paint on our cheeks before we walked in.                                                                                                                                                                           

6. Word of advice- it might stain, you should probably invest in some foundation so you don’t look like an off brand pikachu for the next couple of days. Or, some actual face paint most likely doesn’t stain your skin.                                                                                                                                                               

7. The game I went down to say hi for the first time. The theme was pink. I think it was for breast cancer awareness but don’t trust me on that. Me being me and nervous, I pretty much ignored you the whole time. Talked to my other friends down there for most of it. I glanced over a few times to see Jordan giving me the “you better get your ass over here” death stare. Fortunately, we were able to talk long enough for you to invite me to hang out with you, Mick and Jordan after the game. Obviously I said yes.                                                                                                                                                                         

8. I probably should’ve listened to my own advice about getting face paint. But at least it was a pink stain this time.                                                                                                                                                       

9. You never seemed to wear enough clothes, and neither did I. I wonder if we’re just forgetful or if we unconsciously did it on purpose. My pale, cold hands clenching the tickets as we found our seats. And then holding yours too; pale cold hands for warmth as we watched the players on the ice.                                                                                                 

10. This was around the time I started to collect these keepsakes in a box. It sits at the foot of my bed. It’s getting pretty full now.                                                                                                                                         

11. We were broke, but we still bought the family sized popcorn to share. I would sneak candy and drinks inside my Northface’s unofficial inside pockets. My mom says they’re not, but I think they are.                                                                                                       

12. You finally got your license (thanks to me) and a car sometime that December. We no longer had to depend on other people. We could be alone. That scared me. But a good kind of scared.                                                                                                               

13. I remember my parents hesitant to let me go. “If he’s a bad driver, call us and we’ll come pick you up”. He picked me up the day he got his license and his car.                                                                    I can understand why they were scared. Their only daughter, leaving at like 10:00 PM on a school night, in the car of a boy they didn’t really know.                                                                                             

14. Your sister did my makeup for prom. I wasn’t used to that much makeup on my face. But I was still thankful she wanted to do that for me. This was the first time our parents had met. They sat in the living room while they waited for us upstairs.                                                                                                             

15. I spent the night with you more than anyone. The group had all split up this time, so we ended up doing our own thing for most of it. It was a really good night.                                                                                                                                                           

16. We had already had our first kiss on homecoming night in front of all our friends, but the first time you dropped me off at my house after a hockey game - that will always be considered the first to me. We were alone. It was consensual. The ticket is marked as “first kiss” on the back with the date “12/27/2018”.                                                                                                                                                       

17. I remember telling myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?”.                                                                                                                                                   

18. The ticket that stays with me - the first ticket. The one where you sat to the right of me. The ink is so washed out now, you can barely make out any of the words. “Halloween” / “10/27/2018” / “4:30 PM”.                                                                              I forget how jittery it felt. How awkward we made everything be. I was so quiet on the car ride there. I had just listened to you and Matt talk the whole time. Unsure of how to add to the conversation. Worried about how they felt about me. I’m glad we’re past that part now.                                                                                                                                     

19. After prom we made our own detour before making it to the after party. The same place as homecoming. We arrived like two hours after everyone else did. They all had just assumed we left to “do the deed”. We stayed in our ambiguity. We liked that everything wasn’t out in the open anymore. Regardless if they were right or not- that was the fun part of it- they didn’t know.                                                                                                             

20. “Thank God for Girls” was the first song you had introduced me to. “California Friends” was one I introduced to you. A year later we had talked about how we both started listening to each others’ bands to have another thing in common. Those details will always stick with me.                                                                                                             

21. Your smile was the first thing that caught my eye. Homecoming night. The night we met. The night we kissed for the first time. The red hoodie you wore stays in my bed as a makeshift pillow now. I haven’t seen you in those light blue jeans in a while though. I wonder if you still have them.                                                                                                             

22. Truth is, I didn’t think it was going to turn into anything. But I’m glad it did.                                                                                                                               

23. We watched a movie in the car with your phone. In the back seat. It wasn’t comfortable, but at the same time it was. We debated going to the typical spot in the abandoned Sears parking lot, but I had to go home and get something I forgot; so we ended up parked in your driveway.                                                                                                                   

24. We stayed up late on prom night as we did homecoming night. Except this time we had alcohol- and a lot of alcohol. We played truth or dare again. We were targeted as the game continued. We were okay with it this time. For the most part.                                                                                                                                                             

25. We slept next to each other on the floor of Jordan’s family room with a couch cushion as a pillow (my pillow got ripped to shreds by Fletcher), and a blanket you had brought from your house. We weren’t alone. But it sure felt like it.                                                                                                             

26. One of the first times you came up to visit, there was a Michaelangelo exhibit at the art museum. I didn’t know if you really cared or you just cared because I cared, but I do remember you calling it “rad” when we left the exhibit.                                                                                                                           

27. Michelangelo. Rad.                                                                                                                                             

28. The MOCA museum. We only stayed there for about 15 minutes. “Not as rad”.                                                                                                                         

29. You had gotten tickets to Blossom Center from someone at work. We laid on the blanket you brought for us, listening to the off pitch singing of the artist we had come to see (no offense). Staring at the stars that brightened the sky from the dark spot we were in. “Lawn” / “Maroon 5” / “Blossom Music Center” / “Thursday August 26 2021 7:00 PM”                                                                                                                                                                       

30. Another ticket added to the box.